days...im just a 0.1 percent..

i'm changing my mind again...and i'm admitting that i'm lost..like totally lost..from small till to this day..im those kind of person who doesnt know how to decide and make decisions...and i suck at it...seriously..from what i know..decision making for me is really hard for me...for a moment i choose this and the next im not..i'm so lazy to blog as im typing this...its all in my mind..and i got a lot to say...seriously..haih and i dont know where to start..sorry guys...please take ur time and just read okay? dont care how long it is...is just me trying to let everything out and just understanding me..haha and i need help? yeah...okayy

as i said decision making..how do u make decisions? how do u choose? how do u decide? well this is really a big question and u need professionals to tell u this..okayy..well u decide based on right and wrong...and u decide based on advantages and disadvantages so far so right..okayy...and u do not make decisions based on emotions or decide based on other people or decide just because ur short of time..and u have to think about every decisions that u made...right? well thats what i suck at..big time..why i suck?

reasons...decisons for me to make..i need like seriously a long time to make...and like say those big big ones that includes ur future yahh..it takes months for meto just make a single decision on what i want to study...okay..first i said to myself i want to study medicine and just be a doctor and help out the poor and help to cure diseases and just make the world a better place...but no..i dont want it anymore why? percentage for to be a doctor is very less for a person like me...and it takes time if u want to be a doctor..and and it suffers to become a doctor and speaking of suffering...i dont know how to deal with it...i dont like to suffer eventhough i had to to do something that i love...i dont even want to try to suffer for the better...thats me..not taking risks..haih..thats why i dont have the capability to become a doctor and now i want to choose engineer...for a moment i choose as a musician...for another moment hotel management and become a chef....so there's so many decision how do u make from it...and how to deal with it..

well everybody has to make decisions in their life no matter big or small...they have to be made...and making that decision..u have to be based on whats right for u and is it wrong to choose that..u have to based on consequences...like sometimes i get like..when i have to choose one from both that i love...i wish i have both but i cant...i have to choose one...thats when the problem starts..i want to do this and i want to do that...and i want to be great at everything...but how am i suppose to choose from what i want? does this happen to every one? or is it just me? im just a very very very small decimal places from the world ad i'm about to make the universe's toughest decision for myself...get that? hahaha anyway..i just think that i'm good at everything...is just i dont know which good stuff which i can choose from and be great at it...haha from what i am now...i'm still clueless of everything..i'm still under the illusions of what i'm going to be in the future...and making decisions right now...well this makes me afraid of not having a great future in the future..because i want to have the best future for myself..everyone does...right?

haih...im just worrying about everything...about what im suppose to choose and about what to study in the future...about every single little thing...im just worried...haih...what is wrong with me?...decision making is just so hard...dont everybody think so about it? like i mean it cant be that hard...u know some decision it just take 5 seconds and its the best decision among the others..how great it is when u make decision under that time...and its great because thats truely is the one decision that is good...haih..im just tired of all this decisions...its too much pressure and too much stress for this..and u know what if i cant handle stress i dont think i can be a chef..because if ur in hotel management...u will be dog barked..so yeah i dont like that...what field u stdy that u somehow u dont suffer and u just have a very easy and sometimes just a little bit more of work to do but still a nice future where u get a satisfying pay and just a wonderfull life...how to achieve that by making decisions about the future? how does my parents and brothers do that? how they overcome it...i want to know..im so very curious about almost everything..and i want to learn...but and then i learn..its all half bottle filled...

i want to live a life like in the past...i want to be like them...full of general knowledge...full of courage and just will of everything...i want to be like them..i want to be like brothers...thats the least i think that i can do...my parents..how to they get until this stage..how do they past their teenage life? haih..i just want to be like those people 10 20 years ago..i seriously idolise them..because of the man they are...its just so cool...and i want to be different..i just want in the future to be proud of what i decide today...i dont want to regret..thats why decision making for me is so god damn hard...how? how to deal with this..haih..this is a long blog and i wish to tell everything here..but its just too much in my mind..if anybody who is like seriously close to me and just the best friend that i needed to be here..i would seriously just tell every single thing right now..because i'm seriously in need of help to overcome problems like this...and its just frustrating..because u cant do it right...haha i'm a kind of guy who wants everything to be done efficiently and nicely...but for myself i dont do things the way i wanted for myself...thats why..haih..i even want for example...now in the town that im living has many cases of robbery and thief stuff like that particularly this year...and i'm like telling of actions to be done here so that it can be safer place by just building a security house at the front of the street and hiring police to patrol the whole place each day and the government pay them...and all this to be done by writting letter to the person in charge or to write in newspaper...hahah i'll get this kind of idea to just make things right here...haih..

based on that..i can see myself as a person who wants to make things that surrounds me to be at best and accordingly..but hell..still decision making is just hard u know...theres a lot i want to talk about..rational..movies...acceptance..forgiveness..most of it all is just life...hahah speaking of life...its very complicating..it just one of those things that man need to overcome in this matter of time...haha just problems that we everyday facing...how are we to overcome such problems..and im now experiencing life and trying to understand every problems from now...i'm gonna do something about this..im gonna list it out and write it on a book..and i think i can just based on the list..i will make life easier..i think like this its good...haha its like a diary actually...well see what happens yeah?

anyway...im still in a dilemma...haha i wish to let it all out but i just cannot put it in words...wel understand me..im just living the life with problems...and i hope god help me in this..hahha well...if ever things were easy...im sure life will be easy too..i hope it stays easy for the years to come..thinking of it...those people who commit suicide because of the problems that day face and they cant cope with it..i think they are just cowards and they dont want to face them..thats the problem...well im not like them...i want to face those problems..and i want to be tough and determine and just experience life till the day i die...light up the darkness for the road to be taken for our lifes yeah?..