days...im just a 0.1 percent..

i'm changing my mind again...and i'm admitting that i'm lost..like totally lost..from small till to this day..im those kind of person who doesnt know how to decide and make decisions...and i suck at it...seriously..from what i know..decision making for me is really hard for me...for a moment i choose this and the next im not..i'm so lazy to blog as im typing this...its all in my mind..and i got a lot to say...seriously..haih and i dont know where to start..sorry guys...please take ur time and just read okay? dont care how long it is...is just me trying to let everything out and just understanding me..haha and i need help? yeah...okayy

as i said decision making..how do u make decisions? how do u choose? how do u decide? well this is really a big question and u need professionals to tell u this..okayy..well u decide based on right and wrong...and u decide based on advantages and disadvantages so far so right..okayy...and u do not make decisions based on emotions or decide based on other people or decide just because ur short of time..and u have to think about every decisions that u made...right? well thats what i suck at..big time..why i suck?

reasons...decisons for me to make..i need like seriously a long time to make...and like say those big big ones that includes ur future yahh..it takes months for meto just make a single decision on what i want to study...okay..first i said to myself i want to study medicine and just be a doctor and help out the poor and help to cure diseases and just make the world a better place...but no..i dont want it anymore why? percentage for to be a doctor is very less for a person like me...and it takes time if u want to be a doctor..and and it suffers to become a doctor and speaking of suffering...i dont know how to deal with it...i dont like to suffer eventhough i had to to do something that i love...i dont even want to try to suffer for the better...thats me..not taking risks..haih..thats why i dont have the capability to become a doctor and now i want to choose engineer...for a moment i choose as a musician...for another moment hotel management and become a chef....so there's so many decision how do u make from it...and how to deal with it..

well everybody has to make decisions in their life no matter big or small...they have to be made...and making that decision..u have to be based on whats right for u and is it wrong to choose that..u have to based on consequences...like sometimes i get like..when i have to choose one from both that i love...i wish i have both but i cant...i have to choose one...thats when the problem starts..i want to do this and i want to do that...and i want to be great at everything...but how am i suppose to choose from what i want? does this happen to every one? or is it just me? im just a very very very small decimal places from the world ad i'm about to make the universe's toughest decision for myself...get that? hahaha anyway..i just think that i'm good at everything...is just i dont know which good stuff which i can choose from and be great at it...haha from what i am now...i'm still clueless of everything..i'm still under the illusions of what i'm going to be in the future...and making decisions right now...well this makes me afraid of not having a great future in the future..because i want to have the best future for myself..everyone does...right?

haih...im just worrying about everything...about what im suppose to choose and about what to study in the future...about every single little thing...im just worried...haih...what is wrong with me?...decision making is just so hard...dont everybody think so about it? like i mean it cant be that hard...u know some decision it just take 5 seconds and its the best decision among the others..how great it is when u make decision under that time...and its great because thats truely is the one decision that is good...haih..im just tired of all this decisions...its too much pressure and too much stress for this..and u know what if i cant handle stress i dont think i can be a chef..because if ur in hotel management...u will be dog barked..so yeah i dont like that...what field u stdy that u somehow u dont suffer and u just have a very easy and sometimes just a little bit more of work to do but still a nice future where u get a satisfying pay and just a wonderfull life...how to achieve that by making decisions about the future? how does my parents and brothers do that? how they overcome it...i want to know..im so very curious about almost everything..and i want to learn...but and then i learn..its all half bottle filled...

i want to live a life like in the past...i want to be like them...full of general knowledge...full of courage and just will of everything...i want to be like them..i want to be like brothers...thats the least i think that i can do...my parents..how to they get until this stage..how do they past their teenage life? haih..i just want to be like those people 10 20 years ago..i seriously idolise them..because of the man they are...its just so cool...and i want to be different..i just want in the future to be proud of what i decide today...i dont want to regret..thats why decision making for me is so god damn hard...how? how to deal with this..haih..this is a long blog and i wish to tell everything here..but its just too much in my mind..if anybody who is like seriously close to me and just the best friend that i needed to be here..i would seriously just tell every single thing right now..because i'm seriously in need of help to overcome problems like this...and its just frustrating..because u cant do it right...haha i'm a kind of guy who wants everything to be done efficiently and nicely...but for myself i dont do things the way i wanted for myself...thats why..haih..i even want for example...now in the town that im living has many cases of robbery and thief stuff like that particularly this year...and i'm like telling of actions to be done here so that it can be safer place by just building a security house at the front of the street and hiring police to patrol the whole place each day and the government pay them...and all this to be done by writting letter to the person in charge or to write in newspaper...hahah i'll get this kind of idea to just make things right here...haih..

based on that..i can see myself as a person who wants to make things that surrounds me to be at best and accordingly..but hell..still decision making is just hard u know...theres a lot i want to talk about..rational..movies...acceptance..forgiveness..most of it all is just life...hahah speaking of life...its very complicating..it just one of those things that man need to overcome in this matter of time...haha just problems that we everyday facing...how are we to overcome such problems..and im now experiencing life and trying to understand every problems from now...i'm gonna do something about this..im gonna list it out and write it on a book..and i think i can just based on the list..i will make life easier..i think like this its good...haha its like a diary actually...well see what happens yeah?

anyway...im still in a dilemma...haha i wish to let it all out but i just cannot put it in words...wel understand me..im just living the life with problems...and i hope god help me in this..hahha well...if ever things were easy...im sure life will be easy too..i hope it stays easy for the years to come..thinking of it...those people who commit suicide because of the problems that day face and they cant cope with it..i think they are just cowards and they dont want to face them..thats the problem...well im not like them...i want to face those problems..and i want to be tough and determine and just experience life till the day i die...light up the darkness for the road to be taken for our lifes yeah?..

days...is there any time?

just to freak everybody out...the answer is no...why? because trials is in 2 months away starting june as we speak..and another freaking no..why? because after trials...spm is like 3 months away? could u believe it? neither can i...and as we all know....time flies..and seriously...it's not what u call shit happens or or there's time...or or lets hang out...no man..when u seriously sitting for trials and spm and u say on that day..shit happens..my man...a brick shit happened..and its gonna give sore to ur butt as long as u are living in this pretty pathetic world man..hahah why pathetic?...recently...not exactly its actually happening...do u know that north korea started all the drama and south korea wanted war right now?..and and thailand...once peacefull land..with all so famous bangkok..now is turning into a massacre where the red shirts are destroying at nothing to change the government...poland flooded and the president died on a plane crash...jamica had inwars and people fighting..and there is world cup where everybody come to enjoy and watch in HD if u got astro beyond and support for the teams that u support..haih...world is pathetic nowadays...

well i'm currently getting shitty moments for my mid year exam...english essay paper...is the worst i ever wrote...chemistry haih..no point asking...sejarah and add math will also cause sit to happen tomorrow..and yeah...the natural and the good old routine that i always dream of not to have procrastinating which is scientificly proven to be good in a way that makes u think a lot...like my physics teacher like to say....if u think a lot..ur definately a science student..well for my situation is more on day dreaming...as in a dream that is totally blank...so i wouldnt really agree on calling myself a science student so yeahh...

haih...why do time past so fast when its actually going 24 hrs 60 min 60 sec everyday....haih...its because we use time wisely and we are at least doing something and actually realising something...now if u want to be good science student and experiment urself...try to just look at the watch for 10 minutes and count in second...will this be faster than concentrating urself on doing at least 2 long add maths question...yeahh take those like simultaneous equations...and see comparing which one is faster...or to make time past more fast..try like satrt a timer when u put ur books in a mess then u just tidy up ur room and just pack ur bag for school and maybe after that brush ur teeth and listen to a song and dance at it...will this be faster than counting each seconds in 10 minutes? of course it faster well do it urself and find out if u think time flies..well its because ur using it...doing something..realising things..which is good..but must do it in a good way..like for example studying right? hahaha

well gotta hit the books because tomorrow sejarah and add math is totally a shit happening subjects to have exam on...light up the darkness yeah?

days...what is important now? look at the big picture..

u know what...i guess i want make things clear and just u know just spill the beans..hahaha not exactly mean that i want to tell every dirty little secret or anything but just in general..haha right..haha..whats important in life?

now u have to look into the biggest picture...let ur mind be free and just think...what's important right now in ur life? is it friends? relationship? freedom of life? studies? music?tv?games? u name it..hahah but to me..as we look into the big picture..yes u begin to think...its our future is important..now future..what it means? to get a good job? to marry someone that u can depend for the rest of ur life...to build a family and live happily ever after?...i think this is the big picture..and we think back to our brothers parents...what have they done...did they overcome their years in teenage and abdolescent and achieve their dreamt future?...yes in fact they did...i dont care ur rich or poor..that has nothing to do with u...is a happy family thats what matters..

well if u dont understand what i just wrote...needless to say...our future is important..and to get what we want in future...is to have a good job and build a family with a wife/husband to stay with u for the rest of ur life right? okay...now as we teenagers..we have many things that we think it is important...but what is important right now is not the right path to lead to a future which i wrote above....and its not related at all...music..freedom of life..puppy loves..tv games..other than that...we are all neglecting that studies come first..and we all get distracted by all this temptations that we cannot escape...sometimes a hobby is just making us all get addicted to it and not really concentrating on what is important which is our studies...now tell me...does studies help in our future? of course it does because why if u have good results u can get agood job in the future...

talking about relationship at this age...is it really important? well i can go long about this..but to be shorten in words...its just really simple...there's no need to have a relationship right now....example those ppl i see everyday in facebook or blogs telling..oh my god i love u so much..i want to be with u for the rest of my life...i cant live with u....without u im nothing..shit like this..oh my god..like i say when u look into the big picture...why?why u need a relationship at this age...the sake of getting famous? the sake of showing off? or this is common..to be loved?...hahah come on...u are love by ur friends....and u dont need a lover..tell me..in our society today...which one of us even reached a relationship that lasted 5 years?...the only thing i know is that i got a friendship with this guy for almost 11 years...so yeah..u want a relationship that u wont get bored of it...and u wont leave other person for someone or something...or u leave because its not right or whatever...u want a relationship which is everlasting and just be with that someone till death to us part...so yeah...and those 3 to 5 months relationship is not love...is just puppy shit..sorry its puppy love..hahah typo..anyway...haih..whats the point having it now? there's always chances in university or college if u cant stand it..right?...and ur thinking how to find haih the love of my life just left me...well thats just negative of u..hahah when u look into the BIG PICTURE there's tons of juicy boobies and gorgeous babes waiting for u in university..hahaha

well..to be said the truth...nothing else really matters but studies....music? not important..as a way to release stress yes good...games(including sports)..not important...but for as health yeah very important and also to release those stress..haih..spm is coming...especially trials if u want that result to go overseas like me...yeah u need those results...well i still think that there's still time for me to study and work hard for good results...with the exception of being lazy..hahah yeah...i'm being lazy nowadays..and i should seriously be determine and stop using my phone..my laptop and entertainment such as ps3 and tv...gotta cut down..haha if i want to distress yes music and piano since im doing my grade 5 piano exam..haha

well i got a lot of things that i want to say..but suddenly my mind just came to a close...oh yeah...to those who is having a relationships and wanting to go for a relationships or even those who had been in a relationship and got dump..well please please stop and just think..is this the man/woman that i choose to be with for THE REST OF MY LIFE...well most probably is not..because its not a easy decision...that question will be answered when ur seriously mature enough to think that answer...and ur life is steady yeah...now our life is not stable...why? we are still studying..bare in mind ur a student...not a grown up adult who is ready to take life into another level..u dont have income for ur girlfriend or whatsoever...ur just wasting money on ur girlfriend from ur parents...is it better if u can save those money and use it for ur college or stuff like that?....well thats number 1...number 2 is...dont start a relationship...why...if u do..u waste time..and as i wrote u will waste money...and when problems started to come..ull suffer...and all of this will just affect ur studies..and this is not good..because why?...as i wrote just now...study is what is important right now...number 3...if ur dumped..or want to dump somebody...think properly...this will affect both...u know why?...because after a broken relationship...personality changes and everything it just changes sometimes for the worst and sometimes there a good one..because u tend to use it as a lesson..but most of the people that i know is all bad..haha so yeah...dont...if u start one..think properly..am i gonna be with her long?...is she the girl that i can depend on?...will he/she love me through good or bad times?...eventhough it sucks till u cant tolerate anymore...

well look at the big picture...haih..life..its like a line...ur a baby...a kindergarden kid...primary school...secondary school brother...college young man..university graduate...a man..jobman..and then a husband...a father...a a retired man..a grandfather..and it ends..yeah...this is the big picture...and when u think...from start to finish..we as humans we learn..and we need our studies to achieve this line's needs...and with puppy shits i mean puppy love and freedom of life or whatever aint gonna help but to bring more suffer to u...if u cant even understand or loved urself..how are u to understand or to love somebody?...if u cant even handle ur studies...why u have to add relationship to make ur problem worse?...well it all has to be u looking at the big picture and think..just take a moment and realise..what is right and what is wrong..because sometimes we do have to prioritize things in our life to bring balance to the life's line...hahaha light up the darkness and think about it..

days...i have some quality but not quantity.

it's been so long since i've blog hahaha sorry everybody...ain't got the time haih...recently just got very sick...and yeahh exam's coming..so thats why...anyway...the past few weeks i've been down..its like non-stop problems everywhere..it's like i can't do this i can't do that...i dont have the capability to do..and i dont have time and stuff like that...so yeah...its been really down..and just 2 days ago i got sick..now i'm still 60% only..haih..bad bad flu...recently there's this snooker competition...thought i got the form..who knows i lost to tht guy tom...i'm seriously frustrated with him..he play with me like those type of guys who pro like shit..but the next opponent he play is like the worst and it's totally opposite..i mean to me its not fair...if ur like so good at it..why not win it and not just throw it all away by playing so worse..haih..no comment on that..studies..well its been really intense...because we are all chasing against time to get ready for trials and spm..as for me.im waiting for trials..i'd plan to go australia at february to study my college there...so will need the trials results..if its not good then i have to waste my time and wait for spm results then i only go australia for july intake which is actually wasting a lot a lot of time..so yeah...and now i'm in a shitty moment because hell i cant even study and i cant even concentrate...which means im not dicipline enough and if thats so..i cant get good results..and now im sick..and i have the means to study but i cant focus because of the flu..haih..its been really shitty moments...

mid year is like just tomorrow and its freaking moral...and those 36 definition..i havent even touch yet..haih..its really sad...anyway...and on monday it was our class 5S5 class party..i took a lot of photos...for more reference log in to http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=177968&id=637846905&l=a8b68b64dc haha that day was fun..haha everybody was celebrating..we aruba caleb..which is cool..haha and its a farewell party for Mr.Mahandran and teacher's day party for our class teachers..and some are gambling some are even studying would u believe that? hahah we are taking photos..and acting crazy all around...makes it a nice day..haha

there are so many things that i wanted to blog about but..always the times are not right..and haih..missed it..now i've got totally nothing to say...more or less is all about studies and personality and u know life at the moment..hahah i always compare myself to my brothers..and sometimes i think to myself...in other words...oh yes..i think a lot..like everyday...i think and think and think about so many thing...things that i dream of being...things that i dream of wanting..things that should not happen..happened...and things that are going to happen...so yeah..i can say im a thinker and a dreamer..but do all those things that think and dream come true...well that only depends on my effort on that something..hahaha and now i'm sick of trying everything..and i should give up everything and just focus on one thing..and by that i can be successfull on that something and u know not to be half fulled bottle...and so i say...i mean...i tried snooker..want to be the best...squash want to be good at it last time...then came tennis..wanted a career based on that..but no...i choosed badminton..and badminton i cant be the best because i dont have the fitness in order to be the best..but my passion for it is very strong..and music...for me i played the piano and the drums and the guitar too..haha piano grade 5 currently.and there's like until february then i'll leave malaysia and there's no grade 6 only if i take it in australia...and drums i'm just learning for fun..and i want to be great..but i cant go any further than what i'm doing now...and guitar...i cant be the best because i only know chords and not tabs..haih.

in future i want to represent something...like badminton if i could i want to win trophies and i want to represent maybe college next time...piano guitar and drums..i want to make an album and sell...or even a band would be very nice..hahah snooker...when i still have the chance i want to represent the club to go and play elsewhere...but...all of this only depends on my effort...haih..if i keep on thinking there's no point only if i work hard and try to be the best...from my point of view..i think i have a lot of talents only to choose one..thats very hard for me..because in everyway i want to be best and everything..and i think to myself haih...no human in this world are perfect and so i say i need to choose wisely and make a plan and start focusing on what i want to be successfull at...hahahah yeahh...this is one of them dilemma..

i like swing music...dont u all like? i dont think so because why? swing music is very very old..haha i dont know why but i'm fond of old music..like really fond of it..haha jazz and blues and the types of genre that i like listening to..and these days i was really into swing music..singers like tony bennett..haha and so i remembered...last sunday...tek yi was performing at this jazz concert that me and my parents went to..haha he played darn well..eventhough some part are slightly stiff..maybe because its cold...haha that music really is touching..hahaha..how great it could be if im on stage performing...and other people have already done it..what about me? anyway..hahah that night was good at the second part where the jazz band came..haha the first part was the piano and trombone solo...dont really like it though..hahah yeahh..

well hope i get really well soon...and mid year is like tomorrow..and i better be ready now...haha...will blog about it next time..till then...light up the darkness..hahhaa